Decisions
by lilispotter
Summary: Sometimes the most important decisions you take don't make any sense at all. James/Lily.


**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters.**

Lily Evans prided herself for her ability to make the right decisions. She made decisions very easily. She only needed to ask herself one simple question. _Does what I'm thinking of doing make sense?_ She would draw a list of pros and cons in her head, and based on the tallied thoughts, her actions would follow. It was a methodical and straightforward way of making important decisions - the choice simply had to _make sense._

Getting married in the middle of a war doesn't make sense.

a) Marriage forces upon you a level of commitment that makes loss harder. Loss is common in war.

b) Marriage makes bonds stronger. Everything changes between you and the person you're wed to. They aren't just your boyfriend or girlfriend - they're your _spouse._ That means something. That means rationality can go fuck itself when your partner is in danger. Danger is common in war; rationality, essential.

c) Your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Wars are not happy.

d) It's a war. People lose their loved ones. People are weary of mourning and tired of fighting. It's a fucking war. Weddings are joyous. Weddings are loving. There's is no space for celebration when everyone you know is getting killed.

It was that last bit that Lily was thinking about when James found her perched on a window sill in the middle of the night. The last few weeks had been hard on them both. Marlene McKinnon had been found dead in her home, the luminous Dark Mark over her bungalow leaving no doubt as to the cause of her death. Lily and James had known Marlene for seven years. Lily and James had celebrated birthdays with Marlene, and gotten into trouble with Marlene. Lily and James had fought alongside Marlene. _Lily and James had loved Marlene._

James sat next to Lily, not saying anything. What was there to say, really?

This had been their routine. On the night that Marlene's body had been found, James and Lily held each other in bed and cried for their friend. The next morning, they buried her, and spent an afternoon going through what was left of her burnt home with Sirius, Sophia, Remus, and Peter. Every night since, Lily and James had sat, silently, sleeplessly, at a window sill, each remembering their friend, thinking of the war, and searching for something to hold on to.

Tonight was different. Tonight, Lily stopped searching.

"What's the point of it all?" she asked, quietly.

James didn't respond. Then, -

"Why are we fighting if we can't keep each other safe? What's the point of it all?"

James fixed his gaze outside the window as Lily exhaled. They weren't there to provide comfort to one another - that was implicit. They were there to seek comfort together. In what, they didn't know. They were starting to feel like nothing could provide them the solace they so desperately sought.

"I guess.. I guess the point is to fight for the rest of us. For those of us who are still alive."

"Still alive. _'Still alive'._ Fuck. Fuck, James, we're 19. We're fucking 19. 'Still alive' is not how we should be describing our circle of friends." Lily's tone had risen considerably. "Happy. Carefree. Piss drunk. That's what we're supposed to be. Not 'still alive'."

James' eyes remained fixed. His face remained unchanged. Lily's answer was everything he felt. Everything Sirius and Sophia felt. Everything Remus and Peter felt. _Everything Marlene had felt._

Lily pressed the side of her head against the window. A tear slid down her cheek. She was just.. just so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of fighting. Tired of bearing so much weight on her small shoulders. She wanted her mother to tuck her into bed and lie with her. She wanted to close her eyes and hide from everything.

"I guess..", James started again, after what felt like an hour. "I guess we just have to do it anyway. We have to fight because still being alive is better than being dead."

Lily sniffed. The tears were flowing freely now. "I don't know how much longer I can do that for."

He took her hand and they sat in silence. _Marlene was horrible at being silent,_ Lily thought to herself. _I wish she was alive. I wish she wasn't fucking dead. I wish -_

James dropped Lily's hand and stood up. "You know what?," he said. "Fuck this."

"Glad you're on my side on this." Lily said, dully.

"No. No, Lily. Not that. Just.. fuck all of this. Fuck that this is a war."

"I wish it worked that way, James, but -"

"No, Lily. That's not what I mean. Fuck it."

Lily turned away from the window and looked at the odd expression on James' face. "James -".

"Fuck that we're basically five years old."

Lily was puzzled now. "James, what are you talking about?"

"We're five, Lily. Maybe it just seems like it doesn't make sense. What if it does?"

"Are you high?"

James walked the length of the room to a chest of drawers near the door, and opened the top drawer. He pulled out a box and raced back to Lily, seating himself opposite her by the window.

"Listen to me, because I have an answer for you. And listen carefully." He placed a hand on Lily's cheek. "We can't change that we're in a war. We can't change that people we love, that people we consider our family, are dying. We can't bring back Marlene." His voice choked. "It's happening, Lily. And it's horrible and it's cruel and it's overwhelming. It's too much for us to deal with, really. But it's happening. And here we are. In the middle of it. This is our life. And I'm fighting for it. I'm fighting for moments like this, where I can sit with you. I'm fighting for getting to stand by you. I'm fighting for Sophia and Sirius and Wormtail and Moony. I'm fighting so that maybe one day, we won't have to fight anymore. And we can sit by windows and fucking laugh instead, while our eighteen children blow up the fucking house."

Lily stared quizzically at James. "I don't understand what this is ab -"

"I'm fighting because you give me something to fight for."

James opened the box, revealing a tiny silver ring.

"It's my grandmother's. My mum gave it to me because it's pure silver and healing potions work better with silver that's been - that's irrelevant. Point is, I was planning on keeping it. For you. You know, for after the war. Besides, I thought we were too young. But that doesn't matter anymore. I don't care that we're nineteen, Lils. We're dealing with more than what we should be at nineteen anyway. And I don't care that we could die any day. I just want us to have something worth fighting for. And if I have to die, I want to die fighting for a happily-ever-after or whatever the fuck, with you."

Lily stared at James.

Getting married in the middle of a war doesn't make sense.

But honestly, nothing makes sense in the middle of a war. And James was right. Maybe there was something left for Lily to hold onto.

It was the easiest decision that Lily Evans ever made.


End file.
